Another year gone, another Twitter account done. Now that the humiliation essay has been posted, it seems like God is giving me some signs I need to start following. I did always want to tweet less and start writing more.
2019 was a year of progression and regression. The future keeps seeming brighter even if my health doesn’t seem to be improving. I’ve finally come to grips that whatever causes the chronic pain is just never going to go away. After years of looking for cures and panaceas, it took reading Lewis Hyde’s “Alcohol and Poetry” essay to finally accept the truth. Pain is something to pass through, and has always been that way for human history. Relief has only ever been temporary, with the final panacea being death itself.
I have never felt satisfaction. Everything falls short of its mark.
I took on too many projects and fell behind again. I read Lasch’s Culture of Narcissism and saw in myself “the flight from feeling” Lasch described as endemic to our culture. I made new friends, and broke up a lot of friendships. My acrimonious nature got the better of me several times as I found my voice. I fell in love and fell out again. I became aware of my own surrogate togetherness as I took on some new job opportunities better suited for my skills.
I believed there was a future that I was just having trouble seeing, but I’m not so certain of that anyone. The problem with assuming the worst but hoping for the best is that it becomes a cope for inaction. Time is running out. Tick tock. The pain is catching up. I don’t have any choice but to put away these childish things, these childish toys, and keep writing and producing until this candle burns out.
On an old forum, a prolific effortposter recently passed away. An insightful critic, he knew everything that was wrong with people, but did he live knowing what was right? Negation is not enough. There is no legacy for anyone on the internet, on forums, on Twitter accounts, on effortposts, on podcasts. It’ll all be gone one day. There has to be something more.
The last decade will be a lost one for anyone who built their lives on this fragile simulation. This is just not enough.